Fat and Not Afraid

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Kintsukuroi Repaired with Love

November 16, 2016

You may have seen this image floating around the last little while:

The philosophy here is as beautiful as one of the pieces; Japanese aesthetics values marks of wear by the use of an object. This can be seen as a rationale for keeping an object around even after it has broken and as a justification of kintsugi itself, highlighting the cracks and repairs as simply an event in the life of an object rather than allowing its service to end at the time of its damage or breakage."

While chatting with Ryan last night I came to fully understand and embrace a concept that I've been learning slowly for years; being broken, and repaired, is OK. I'll often say when feeling sad or depressed or triggered, Sorry, I'm broken. Or sorry I'm broken. (Punctuation is important!) I know where my fault lines are, where I've been shattered apart and rebuilt and despite it being corny or dramatic, I realize that those cracks and scars have been repaired with love. They glitter with that most precious of things.

Every time I break it's love that repairs me; the love of my children and mine for them, the love of my wonderful husband and mine for him, and the love of my extended friends and family. It pours, drips or trickles in as I allow, when the jagged edges are prepared to be joined again. Love sustains and heals and strengthens me until not only am I stronger than before but also more beautiful-not in a shallow, skin deep and fleeting manner but deeper, more interesting. My mental and emotional scars allow me to shine a golden and compassionate glow on others, to channel empathy and understanding. Only through being broken and repaired can I understand another's pain and need for healing.

Buckle Up

November 14, 2016

Hi everyone! It's JeninCanada and I wrote something I felt I just had to say out loud. It's been quite a week, hasn't it? Leonard Cohen died, I'm being transferred (by my request) to a new branch, my mom and sister in law were in town this weekend for a visit and Donald Trump is president elect of the United States. Enjoy the text wall, or watch the video below. Sorry for the weird sound quality.

There's a lot I could write that's already been said by others, and probably more cohesively and with greater eloquence, about that garbage nightmare Trump's win. Election night, like many of you, I said watching the results roll in; first with elation, then with trepidation. I went to bed sometime near midnight after a couple of rum and cokes and cried my heart out. I prayed to Ma'at and Athena for justice, for civilization and basically for the future. It was for naught. I woke in the morning, got the kids out the door to school, and went back to bed for another two hours and cried some more. Hillary Clinton, despite being one of, if not THE most qualified candidates in history, would not become the next president of the United States.

Despite being Canadian, I feel like someone has died. Election night, as Kat was getting ready for bed and the dream was still strong, I told her: When you get  up in the morning, a woman like me and you is going to be in charge of the most powerful country in the world." Florida made me a liar. Goddamn you Florida, can't you ever get it right? Seriously though, I am in mourning as so many other women and men are. We needed Hillary to win. We needed to see that the world would continue onwards and upwards, hope and change, spinning forward into a better, brighter tomorrow. But it didn't. It's four years of backsliding into 1942 and how quickly and ugly it is is breathtaking.

My heart breaks for all of the people who are now, more than ever, living in fear for their safety and security, and even their lives. It breaks for the children being told by their peers they're going to be 'sent home' to a country they've never even been too, or that their parents are going to be taken away from them. It breaks for the people of faith, Muslims and Hindus (because who can tell them apart, amirite? They all wear that thing on their heads! Send 'em all home!) who are going to be further targeted for hatred and violence. The suicide prevention lines for LGBTQ people have been jammed and trans suicides spiked. What hope is there for them when Mike Pence, Mr. Gay Shock Therapy, is the Vice President?

What hope is there for our land and water when you have a climate change denier in a top post? What kind of world will my grandchidren grow up in? What hope is there for education when Trump's gone and put a creationist in charge of education? SARAH PALIN IS HEAD OF THE DEPARTMENT OF THE INTERIOR. Drill baby drill! She can't see Russia from her house any more but she can see dollar signs in Yosemite park.

It's a frightening time to be alive for Americans. For the rest of us, we're thankful to not be, but as I share the longest undefended border in the world with them, and our economies and yes, even culture, is so interwoven, it didn't take long for the hate to bubble up here too. Like the faint gassy smell of Toronto's downtown, racism and white supremacy has always been a thing in Canada but now those folks, the Soldiers of Odin and the Conservative Party of Canada, look south and say "See! SEE! If they can do it, we can do it!" An Ottawa elementary school had a swastika spray painted on it over the weekend, with a KKK beside that for good measure. One of the candidates for the leadership of the Conservatives actually, and with out irony, praised Trump's win and said we need to bring his kind of anti-elitist politics here.

Over my dead body.

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders aren't giving up. The Democrats are an absolute mess right now but I believe that they'll sort themselves out, learn from this embarrassing and disasterous defeat, and address their failings in time for the 2018 elections. When I told Gabe that Hillary didn't win, and asked him what we were going to do, he said "Move to the United States and help out so things aren't too bad there?" I was so proud of him. Then I said "No way in hell. But we ARE going to do everything we can to make sure that a person like Trump NEVER gets close to running Canada."

I hope the Liberals and the NDP take note as well; white, rural Americans voted overwhelmingly for Trump for a variety of reasons; Prejudice has always clung to the edges of the map-cities are the great melting pots of a country. If you've spent your whole life in Small Town USA and never interacted with a Muslim or an African American or a lesbian except what you saw on TV, heard on talk radio or learned from your Small Town Parents, then you're going to believe Trump when he says Mexican are rapists, Blacks are thugs, and Muslims are terrorists. Being a rural American also means having watched as your government bowed to the will of massive multinational corporations for generations and shipped all the 'good jobs' overseas, destroyed the unions that made your grandfather's quality of life possible, and ruined the environment. These awful changes affected the cities as well, and it should go without saying but it still needs saying anyway, and affected women and minorities worse than anyone else, but did those groups vote for Trump? NO they did not. They voted overwhelmingly for Hillary.

The difference is women and minorities don't have a convenient scapegoat; they ARE the scapegoat. They get thrown under the bus of white male anger and Trump becomes president elect. And the same types of problems exist in Canada-rural Canada is very Conservative. They like their rifles and their atvs and their small town living and they don't like anyone who's different. They like the good old days when jobs were plentiful and paid well and the world at large wasn't so damn scary and messed up. The Baby Boomers ruined the economy and now they've voted in some more of the same to try and fix it? That's the definition of insanity.

Just to be clear; a vote for Trump because a person thought that he'd fix the economy was also very much a vote for racism, sexism, xenophobia and homophobia. A vote for Trump was a vote for letting big business and white supremacists into the White House. It was a vote for setting back the clock to 1942. The next four years are going to be a VERY bumpy ride. Buckle up, folks.

Life Update part eleventy

November 1, 2016

Currently I'm...

Reading: Dragons of Autumn Twilight to Gabe at bedtime. I'm so excited to finally be able to share this series with him! Riverwind, Tanis, Laurana, Kitiara, Sturm, Caramon, Raistlin, Flint, Tas and Tika are like old friends to me and I hope Gabe will love them like I do.

Playing: PokemonGo a bit every day. I still love it despite lack of an accurate radar and 10km eggs.

Watching: Nothing actually. We just finished Luke Cage on Netflix and are inbetween shows.

Trying: NANOWRIMO! Though my only goal is to write every day, not hit a specific word count. Are you in it too? Let me know!

Cooking: The usual omelet for breakfast.

Eating: Said omelet.

Drinking: Coffee. <3 But pumpkin chai from David's Tea is damn good too.

Calling: My mom later to catch up on all the Hallowe'en shenanigans.

Pinning: Why yes I do have a Pintrest! I usually get my fandom fixes there; Supernatural, Avengers, etc.

Loving: Ryan. We've been having a rough go lately (he was fired a month and a half ago) but he's been handling it really well. It's been wonderful having him home with the kids after school! The best news is he has a new, better job, and it starts in two weeks. <3

Hating: That it's November. Gods I really despise this month. Can it hurry up and be December already?


In Defense of Racists?

September 23, 2016

Last week and part of this week was vacation; my first ever all by myself drive to and from Sudbury to the Sault to visit with family and friends. It was spectacular in that it was perfectly ordinary; coffee with one friend, lunch with another, hitting Pokestops downtown one night and a sleepover at camp another. It feels like I took a million pictures but it was more like 300-foxes at breakfast, a selfie with my neice, storm clouds and a rainbow while on a walk with mom, exposed rock bluffs and the marbled ancient shoreline of my favourite lake. If you're interested an album will be up on the Facebook page soon.

The serenity of my vacation was ruined by Canadian Soldiers of Odin and straight up old fashioned racism. Watching the news in the evening with my dad was challenging to say the least. He's in his 60s and holds conservative ideas and values; I learned that Hillary Clinton is a lying bitch about Benghazi but at least he also thinks that Trump is a sociopath. We can't let in any more refugees because they're dangerous (I wont repeat what he said here but it stunned me) thanks to the news out of Manhattan and New Jersey. Also, the Soldiers of Odin have set up a chapter in the Sault and are trying to start one in Sudbury, and I just can't even because a FB friend of mine is all for that, and I bet a few other people are as well but haven't said so YET. Sure they're doing food drives and picking up needles and, in some cities, patrolling the streets at night as a neighbourhood watch group, but despite ALL the Canadian chapters so far vehemently stating they're not like the extreme anti-immigrant group in Finland, that they're not racist, just good citizens who want to Do Something, I'm not convinced. 

I spent a couple of hours combing the Sault's FB page and found this manifesto written by one of the admins. Here's a small excerpt:

     "What I fight against is the injustice done to Canadians who are forced to change their way of life to accomodate people who immigrate here. I fight against the basic upheaval of our culture and beliefs under the guise of "tolerance" or "political correctness". I see the Canada I grew up in changing every day and not for better. I almost can't recognize the country of my youth where I was free to say "Merry Christmas" without the fear of someone taking offense to my sincere well wishes. Where we accepted those of other cultures openly and freely but we did not allow them to change who we are on a fundemental level as we are today. Would you come as a guest into my home and then demand that I allow you to wear shoes where we do not and tread mud on my floor? This is what is being done to Canada. This is the threat to our way of life. Please, come to my country, enjoy the same quality of life that I enjoy. But don't ask us to change the rules of our house to make you more comfortable."

The two admins public Facebook posts also have racist memes and similar comments. I'm having a bad attack of NIMBY: Not In My Back Yard. It's one thing to be aware of the racism and small-minded conservative thinking in my hometown, it's another thing to see it walking around out in the open wearing a leather jacket. Soldiers of Odin isn't anti-immigrant or racist? Sure, you keep telling yourself that. By deliberately choosing to start a chapter of SOO they've chosen to take on all the garbage associated with them.

On the other hand, they did go out the other night and pick up a shit-ton of dirty needles in a bad part of town. They actually ARE doing food drives and helping out. But would I say the same if they were the KKK and I lived in Alabama? If I wasn't a white chick who grew up here? Or is the extremism not bad enough? Where do I draw the line to say "Fuck the good people?" People like my dad who have spent 30 years doing volunteer work with Search and Rescue, helping out friends and family alike with home improvement projects, and doesn't buy Christmas presents but donates to the Sault Star Santa Fund instead? Is he my enemy? He's definitely the kind of guy on Twitter I'd take apart for his racism. If he showed up in my FB feed arguing that the SOO group in the Sault was a Good Thing and why the heck does the name matter so damn much? I'd feed him logic until his head explodes.

But he's my dad.

The Soldiers of Odin have done something here in Canada that noone else has been able to do before; give a legitimate face to the anti-immigrant, right wing conservative racism that's been lurking at the edges for a while now. It's one thing to laugh at the good ol' boys in the rural areas with their quads, beer, guns, and their backwards thinking. It's entirely different when those people put on a uniform, declare they're a part of a unified front, and start patrolling the streets. And I worry that if dad was 30 years younger, he'd join them.



Back to the Future?

September 14, 2016

The poplar across the street has leaves as bright yellow as miniature suns; they remind me of the fabled trees of Lothlorien. I noticed a few peeking out a couple of weeks ago and may have cringed a bit. Ryan laughed and said "Why are you always surprised to see the leaves changing at the end of August? Every year you're caught off guard." In part it's because while I'm always actively on the search for signs of Spring in February, I'm denying the change to Fall in late August/September. Ryan loves fall; the cooler days and crisp nights, the gorgeous fall colours on the trees in our area (Northern Ontario puts on quite a display!) and back to school for the kids.

This is Kat's first year of school while Gabe is a pro headed into grade 5. The bus picks them up at the end of the driveway and drops them off the same; the girl next door is babysitting for us on days we're not home soon enough (which is most of them) so we don't have to futz around with the after-school program or anything. Both kids had excellent first days, though they were nervous about making friends and finding their way around. Katherine is 'sweet and adorable' according to the agenda I get, and Gabe's teacher told Nana that he's quite stubborn but bright. They're both off to a great start and I couldn't be happier.

This is a big change for me as last year there was a lot of taking the kids across town on city buses; my mornings are my own again and it's amazing. I have time to tidy and read or write, get my head in order before going to work. If this is what the rest of the year is going to be like, I'm 100% ok with this. Before I was a parent I had no idea how much work parenting was, how organized you have to be, how on top of everything. I struggle every day to feel like I've done My Best and done Enough to make sure the kids are ready to face the next day, nevermind the rest of their lives. Already, after only a few days, having the mornings back has helped me center and focus on what's important; being prepared and having a routine we can trust. This is next level Adulting for sure.

Monument Valley is Mesmerizing

September 9, 2016

A couple of months ago, while staring down another end of month without much data left on my phone (Thanks Twitter and PokemonGo!) I went looking for a quick puzzle game for on the bus or lunch break. After passing over a dozen or more Candy-Crush wannabes I settled on Monument Valley by Ustwo games. The art in the screenshots drew me in, and once I got started on the first level, I found the music incredibly soothing. This is important because I'm TERRIBLE at puzzles, and I have a hard time with visualizing anything in 3D.

Monument Valley is a game where you need to navigate Ida, a lost/rejected princess, through a series of mazes that are also impossible objects. By tapping the screen you can move her from place to place, and different mechanics are available to swipe vertically or horizontally to open up new areas. Below is a screenshot I took directly from the game.

Ida is your girl in white with the cap, while the man in blue is some kind of spirit from the lost kingdom she's exploring, and I think ruined. It's not made 100% clear but that's ok; I wasn't playing it for the story this time. Normally I'm a story hound but for Monument Valley I wanted to try and learn the mechanics. It took me probably a month of on and off playing to finally work my way through the game, and the last level took more than one day to solve. It was deeply satisfying to complete the game itself even though I was left wondering about the story. Maybe Ustwo will make a sequel?

Overall I'd give this game an 8/10. The only quibble I had was it needs to be longer, and the story expanded. 10/10 for music and graphic design. I go back to it over and over just to listen to it and play around in the world.


Google Alert! Shields At Maximum

September 8, 2016

Back at the beginning of July I set up a series of Google alerts to do a bit of an experiment; if I was actually looking for it, how much bad news could I get in a month? I set the search criteria as follows on July 9th, with the results:

  • Approximately 90 total alerts, 3 per day for each category of woman murdered, indigenous killed and child killed.
  • Each alert contains anywhere from 1 to 12 or more stories depending on the day.
  • As of today, September 7th, I have nearly 300 unread alerts.

If I was looking for shit to get mad about, it wouldn't take a lot of effort. Stories from around the globe abound of women that are murdered by their partners or family members, indigenous people die or go missing and the blatant racism that follows (or directly contributed to their deaths) doesn't surprise me, but does sicken me, and kids die in droves through accident and abuse. IF I was looking for things to get mad about, y'know, as a feminist or a Social Justice Warrior, or a femdamentalist, I could easily Hulk out every day.

But I don't go looking. I ignored all the alerts until tonight's writing; shields to maximum I waded into the fray and thankfully I didn't feel most of it scrape against me too hard. My broken edges sting sometimes. Tears often spring into my eyes in the early morning when something particularly sad comes into my feeds. It's too easy to find things to be mad about because there are so many of them. I could literally spend the rest of my life doing literally nothing but write about the feeds I've set up, analyzing the crimes, showing people the patterns, yelling from the rooftops CAN YOU SEE IT NOW?

But I don't. I can't. A person can't live like that. I'd quickly burn out, and ignoring my family like that wouldn't be a good idea either. They deserve a wife and mom who's present, who can laugh and joke around, who has energy for them, too. These days I blog and tweet less as I have less energy for things outside my immediate sphere; family and work come first, but when I get the chance I let my passion burn.

Fuck Cancer

August 4, 2016

Hi everyone! A good news post: I beat cancer. When I had my thyroid removed last month the doctor also removed two tumors; a large benign one from the right side and a smaller, malignant one from the left. The benign tumor was huge, like 80 grams in weight. That's ridiculous and explains why my scar is so large as well. So huzzah! I'm relieved, my family is relieved and I can start looking forward to the future again without having to worry about chemotherapy or radiation treatments. The treatment for thyroid cancer is to remove the thyroid, and I've already done that, AND as a bonus thyroid cancer generally doesn't spread. It doesn't really have anywhere to go.

Thanks to everyone who's left supportive comments here and on the Facebook page. I appreciate it a lot. In non-cancer/health related things I have a post brewing about PokemonGo, and another about mobile game I've been playing, Monument Valley, kids going to school this fall, Kat's upcoming 4th birthday and possibly more! For now I update more regularly on Facebook at Fat and Not Afraid.

Ain't No Party Like a Dwarf Party

July 9, 2016


Last night was Ryan's last night in the Sault for a while and unbeknownst to him I had a little surprise planned; a night of table top roleplaying with some of our friends! Unfortunately with the surgery and kid wrangling I had an idea but no energy or time to make an adventure, nevermind create a set of premade characters. Thankfully I have this really great friend who is always chock full of amazing ideas and has the know-how to make them happen! When I approached Nathan to build me a one-shot campaign he was happy to do it and from a couple of simple questions he created an 11 page PDF file for a Pathfinder RPG adventure, complete with four fully finished PCs, baddies and a map, in well under a week. A million thank yous to him; everyone had a GREAT time.

  The story began in birthday fashion, with Rammet Granitefist, level 4 dwarven monk, partying it up with several dozen of his closest dwarven friends and family when suddenly the ale and wench of honour are stolen by a band of Dreadtooth orcs! Desiring revenge against Rammet for the defeat and death of their father, the four Dreadtooth orcs crashed the party and disappeared into a partially built and wholly abandoned building nearby. This kind of insult couldn't be allowed to pass, plus they were out of booze, so Rammet, Slag Onyxhammer the Slammer (sledgehammer wielding fighter), Stave Slatebeard the Sly Sorceror and Listende Quartzdagger the Nimble set gamely off with a crowd of drunken countrymen to cheer them on.

The front entrance to what might have been a beautifully constructed dwarven home held a quartet of Orcish attack dogs but once the group got a few rolls under their belts (and I put my own d20 away because it crit-attacked Ryan twice) they dispatched the ugly beasts handily. The next room was a large foyer but had been marred by a deep sinkhole; only some boards stretched along the sides and across the gap to afford passage. Rammet simply slid down the side and landed safely, thanks to his monkish training, and immediately started looking for rope. fight scene

Ryan has always been a HUGE fan of Jackie Chan and kung fu movies, and Nathan asked me what his favourite class was, so the dungeon and character were specifically designed so that Ryan would have many chances to shine. This was only the first. Finding some slimy rope and a busted shovel, he quickly created a way up the far side and waited for the party to join him. Overhead, Listende and Stave moved nimbly over the boards but poor Slag knew a single footstep would send him plunging painfully down into the muck so he simply sat on his bottom and rolled down to a mostly safe stop. 

Listende wasn't content leaving a single door unopened so she continued across another set of boards and picked the lock on a well constructed wooden door; peering inside she discovered a well appointed boudoir. Orcish portraits hung on the walls, beautifully painted vases sat on pedestals, even a piano graced the room though how the orcs got it in there was anyone's guess! Rammet joined her while Slag made his very slow and hilarious way to the top of the rope Rammet had thrown into a southern hallway. Stave was undecided and remained where he was. 

Upon entering the boudoir fully, a most beautiful Orc rose from the chaise in the center of the room where he had been reclining. This Orc was too gorgeous for words and for a moment the party was reluctant to attack. However, he rose from his chaise yelled "Prepare to die, dirtbeards!" and attacked. Rammet was not caught off guard and overcame his desire not to mar that perfect face with a far stronger Dwarven desire to absolutely mess that pretty face and threw a vase at it. Listende maneuvered into position for a serious sneak attack while the first of the four Dreadtooth brothers slapped Rammet a sickening blow across the face. He retaliated by wrapping the smelly, slimy rope he'd found in the bottom of the sinkhole around the Orc and falling backwards into said hole; the tied up Orc fell in and broke his neck.

From across the way, Stave and Slagg watched him fall and gave a cheer, Slag finishing up urinating down into the hole he'd just finished climbing out of. "Take that, ya stupid hole!" A hop, skip and more climbing later, the two Dwarves joined Rammet and Listende in the boudoir where they found a magical mirror holding Rammet's buxom wench hostage. Unable to decipher her motions and warned against breaking the mirror, the party continued into a northern passage. A not too subtle pit trap was easily discovered and the piano from the ajoining room was quickly dropped in to cover the disease ridden spikes at the bottom. The noise from the ridiculously loud crash, however, grabbed the attention of some Orcs in the next room over, and a chant went up from what sounded like hundreds of throats.

Mere seconds later the door separating the party from the horde burst open and the grunts of the Dreadtooth clanned attempted to pour out into the narrow hallway. Hampered by the doorway and all their badass Mad Max-esque gear, they gave Stave a nice clear shot for a widely spraying acid attack. Momentarily stalled, Slag leapt into the fray and did what he does best; he clove through the lesser Orcs as a thresher at harvest time, though with far messier results thanks to his sledgehammer. After his assault the few remaining Orcs turned and fled, screaming that another of the Dreadtooth brothers had arrived. The party was then faced by two bad-ass looking Orc elite guards and ... Chicken Boo.

For those of you unfamiliar with the 90s cartoon Animaniacs, I present the following:

Rammet and Listende made their will saves and the chicken was summarily thrown out of the dungeon by his own guards.

After that, an exploding barrel trap and some chit-chitty-chat-chat with the eldest Dreadtooth brother, Earl, the final battle began in earnest. Rammet was challenged to single, barehanded combat and eagerly accepted, using his monkish training and Jackie Chan tendancies to quickly overwhelm his opponent with the steel rings of the exploded barrel, the rope and sticks and his own hands and feet. Earl fought to the best of his ability but even his hidden archers couldn't stop the Dwarves from decimating their foe.

We ran out of time at that point and decided to call it a night, having had a lot of laughs and giving Ryan a memorable birthday night. Thanks again to everyone who made it out and especially to Nathan for all his hard work.

Before and After

July 5, 2016

Another chapter in the life of Jen has come to close and another one has begun; this has happened before. Before and After I Moved Out, Before and After Gabe, Before and After Nanaimo/BC, Before and After Living w my Inlaws, and now Before and After Having my Thyroid Out.

Surgery was last Wednesday and despite a slightly late start went about as well as can be expected. I was awake and not-sore enough to have some company that night from Ryan and the kids, my aunt (who was also a nurse on my floor) and my sister and neice. The less said of the night spent at the hospital after that the better; who can be expected to rest and recuperate when you have a nurse coming in every 2-4 hours to check your vitals or a 6:30am blood test? Still, I shouldn't see any bills so I can't really complain. Yay Canadian healthcare!

I've been started on a calcium supplement, a synthetic thyroid replacement and a third one that, from what I understand, boosts both of those things. My follow up appointment with the endocronologist is Thursday and then it's back to Sudbury on the weekend (with Gabe, finally!) and go from there. After a lifetime of being Healthy I now face the very real threat of not being able to live well or long without these medications. It is a very strange feeling. I forgot one dose of my calcium one night and woke up the next morning with tingly face, hands and arms. Despite taking all of the rest of my meds on time for the remainder of the day I still felt out of sorts and tingly for hours. In case of Zombie Apocalypse, I don't think I'm going to make it any more.

After Having My Thyroid Out is also a time for scarves. I had two ready to go and my mom in law gave me another one; now I have blue and white, pink and silver, and purple and silver. The scar along my neck looks pretty grisly even with steri-tape hiding half of it, and it's a lot longer than I was expecting. I'm not used to wearing scars where people can see them and my throat is numb in a very wide area as well. For the next little while I'll be covering up; even Katherine prefers it and I'm sure I'll get tired explaining to people what happened. Though my dad suggested that I make up a nice story, or just say "He lost." and smile.

In any case, now we're in the After part of another chapter and it's time for adjusting, processing and adapting. At Thursday's appointment we find out what exactly I had taken out of my throat-hopefully not cancer but we'll see. I've heard from a few people, nurses and a friend's mom, that compared to other types of cancer, thyroid is one of the easiest to beat because it doesn't spread. So yay? I guess? Then again, if I took my thyroid out for nothing I'm going to be a bit pissed to be on meds for the rest of my life for no good reason. It was a perfectly good organ that was taking care of me and now it's gone. I'm already finding my appetite is non-existant and that even missing one dose of something will throw off my day; there's a lifetime of this ahead? Could be worse I guess.


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