From over at Kataphatic today there's a comment I'd like to spend a little bit more time thinking about as I procrastinate some more on my horribly horribly overdue homework assignments. Commenter Natalie writes:
I feel that if one loses weight as a result of changes one’s made as part of taking care of ones’ body (i.e., getting more exercise, eating nutritious food, taking care of medical conditions), it’s something that simply cannot be discussed within the context of FA/HAES–which I think is a damned shame.
I replied: I feel this way as well, that if I decided to start working out and changed my diet to more eating with intent and less mindless snacking and lost some weight as a result (but not as a goal) I’d get booted from the feed if I spoke about it in my blog in more than a “Hmm, look at that.” sort of way. Is it possible to be fat accepting but realize there’s more work to be done, on a personal level, towards fitness, if that’s a goal for yourself? Is it possible to embrace intuitive eating and eating mindfully? Can I be an advocate for Health at Every Size if I’ve just lost 20lbs through playing DDR 3x week for a couple of months? Heavy questions (no pun intended)." My other comment can also be seen a bit earlier.
The thing is, I would love to start working out, but I'm afraid too. I might've mentioned this before, at least in a somewhat sideways manner. The fear comes from that little voice in my head that says "Why bother? You wont lose any weight, you'll still be fat. Why are you kidding yourself?" Shutting that voice up is easier some days than others, but it's been a little louder than I'd like lately. In any case, I would love to find out what this body of mine is capable of. The other day, while nearly literally crawling about underneath the house to turn on the tap for the gardenhose, I found that after only a few minutes my arms and legs felt like jelly. There was a moment while I was pulling myself out of the crawlspace door that I thought I was going to be stuck because my arms just wouldn't give me any more strength to get out. Obviously I DID get out but it was a bit of a 'hmmm' moment, a moment where I wished for my husband's arms and shoulders and the power that's there. I'm a bit of a control freak sometimes, so wanting to control my body, make it do things for me, is appealing, but also dangerous. Most of my adult life I've avoided substances and situations in which I would find myself either out of control (drunk, high, in danger, gambling) because I KNOW that I have an addictive personality with slight OCD tendencies. I don't keep booze in the house, never tried drugs or cigarettes of any kind, I've been to the local casino once and very very rarely buy scratch tickets (one ticket turns into two, then three, then the next day and the next...).
I wonder about excersize and working out for it's own benefits, for strength and improved stamina, what I could do. Sometimes I contemplate dropping all the snacks on gaming nights that I love; chips and candy mostly, and replacing them with apples and carrot sticks and celery, or Tostitos and salsa. Eating 'junk' a couple of nights a week isn't helping my energy levels and having it in the house is making Gabe ask for it all the time. (That's another post I've got to put up soon! Asking for chips for breakfast, seriously!) Would that be eating mindfully instead of random snacking, or is it counter-intuitive to deny myself the snacks I love? As you can see, I'm a little conflicted. Comments and discussion are loved!